How to fight productively

When we were first married, my husband Tom and I really didn’t have many disputes. Things changed when we had a child—and we found ourselves pretty much fighting all the time. Our fights were messy, they never seemed to end, and neither of us was hearing the other. It was almost worse when we weren’t talking, and went about our day in chilly silence.

I write about health and relationships, so it was embarrassing that I didn’t have a handle on this stuff. So I consulted a host of experts that I know on ways to hash out a conflict properly. It turns out that there really is a formula for fighting. Here are the best things we learned.

Put A Time Limit On It And Stick To It

When I tell Tom that we need to hash out an issue, I can see the nightmare unfolding in his eyes that we’ll be up until 3 in the morning having an epic discussion. So I tell him it will take ten minutes at the most. A time limit gives him relief and makes him more open, and it forces me to drill down, clarify what my needs are, and resist the urge to dig up old dirt.

Use “I” Statements

If you begin a statement with ‘you,’ as in ‘you never get up at night with the baby,’ you’ve lost your partner already. As eminent couples therapist Julie Gottman told me, “describe yourself, not your partner, which only creates defensiveness, and sabotages your being listened to.” Start with “I” statements instead, and talk about the situation without judgment or blame, e.g. “I’m so sleep-deprived that I’m deranged, so it would really help if you got up sometimes at night with the baby.” Don’t say “always,” and don’t say “never.”

Use An F.B.I. Tactic

One of the most game-changing strategies was given to me by to Gary Noesner, chief of the FBI’s Crisis Negotiation Unit for a decade. He told me that the harder we push—our usual impulse in a disagreement—the more likely we are to be met with resistance. Noesner says it’s a universal human trait that people want to be shown respect, and want to be heard.

One incredibly effective F.B.I. strategy to calm down an “agitated individual” is paraphrasing: simply restating the person’s message in your own words. This technique quickly telegraphs that you understand the other person’s perspective, which is instantly disarming. One of the biggest sources of conflict between Tom and me was that I felt like he was shutting me out. When he started to paraphrase whatever my issue was, I felt heard. I felt understood. Even if he was way off-base, I appreciated his sometimes-entertaining efforts (“Uh, what I’m hearing is that you’re upset that I stepped around the bag of garbage by the door. No? What I meant to say is that you’re angry that I forgot to feed the kid breakfast. No?”)

Another good F.B.I. strategy is ‘emotion labeling’ —simply helping your keyed-up partner identify how he or she is feeling by using phrases like ‘you sound as if/you seem as if.” (“You seem as if you are annoyed that I told the kids, ‘let’s go see what Mommy’s doing’ while you were taking a bath.”) You can’t fix an issue if you’re both not clear about it.

Resist The Urge To Vent

Yes, it feels good to let loose and speak your truth and so forth, but that feeling is short-lived. Not only do you often have Venter’s Remorse afterwards, but the harsh things you say in the heat of the moment that may not even be entirely true still have a tendency to stick in the ventee’s head for years, and sometimes decades.

As Boston therapist Terry Real told us during a session, venting can be needlessly hurtful. “There’s nothing that harshness does that loving firmness doesn’t do better,” he said. “Unbridled self-expression rarely prompts generosity in others, but authentic sharing does.” He said to aim for what he calls “full-respect living”—that nothing you say to each other should drop below the level of simple respect. (If this isn’t always achievable, it’s at least a good standard to try for.)

Use The Magic Word (No, Not ‘Please,’ Although That’s Nice, Too)

Harvard psychologist Ellen Langer found that people are more willing to comply with a request if one magic word is used: because. Langer observed a group of people waiting in line to use a copy machine. When someone asked to cut in line but supplied a reason, even if it sounded a little kooky (“Can I use the copy machine first because I need to make a copy?”) nearly everyone let them cut. The word because appears to be the behavioral cue, so when making an appeal, use a reason—any reason! (“Please change the baby’s diaper because it reeks.”)

Timeouts Aren’t Just For Kids

If things get heated, take a break and flee to opposite sides of the house. The Gottmans once did an experiment in which they interrupted squabbling couples in their famed “Love Lab” and told them they needed to adjust their equipment. They asked the couples not to talk about whatever issues they were tussling over and had them just read magazines for half an hour. When the couples got back into their discussion, their interactions were more positive and productive. Half an hour, the Gottmans found, is also about how long it takes for stress-induced chemicals released during ‘fight or flight’ to leave your body.

Give Them a Way Forward

Real says that every complaint has a request in the center of it. Complaining boxes your partner in and gives them nowhere to go—so provide a clear road map, and move beyond ‘this is what you did wrong’ to ‘here is what you can do to make it right.’ Then tell them exactly what you want.

It’s a skill to turn a complaint into a request, but it gets easier with practice. Real gave this example: instead of ‘I don’t like your tone,’ try ‘I want to hear what you’re telling me, and I could listen a lot better if you’d lower your voice.’ As he put it, “Which of those two things do you think is going to get you more of what you want?” I used to fume silently and hope Tom could read my mind—a technique that didn’t work too well. It was much easier to be direct.

These days, Tom and I really do follow this formula, and as a result, things are a lot more peaceful around our house. Plus, thinking about the steps we have to take diverts me and calms me down. It’s completely taken the heat out of our fighting (now if one of us raises our voice, it’s sort of jarring and odd.) Now that we’re the adults in the family, we’ve finally learned to fight like grownups.

Jancee Dunn is the author of How Not To Hate Your Husband After Kids.