Bad teen parenting? I’m OK with my daughter having an “easy” senior year

Our older daughter is a senior at Murrow HS, a large, well-regarded public school in Brooklyn. Even for this last year before college, many of her peers are enrolled in grueling, jam-packed academic schedules and intensifying their commitments to the clubs they’re involved with. But my daughter begged us to let her take it easy, and not fill her class schedule with classes just because it would look good for college applications. She needed a break from this kind of academic intensity: I knew that anxiety affects about a third of teens and adults, according to the National Institutes of Mental Health; the American College Health Association saw the rise of “overwhelming anxiety” from 50 percent in 2011 to 62 percent in 2016. (All stats and research from the New York Times story about anxiety and teens.) My daughter will only be a teenager once, and we decided now was the time to let her relax a little.

I knew this was probably the right thing for my child, but I was reluctant to share our decision with other parents: if the local moms-and-dads knew about this, they’d go ballistic on the shaming.

On a recent thread discussing senior courseload on a New York City ListServ:

• “My Beacon HS senior got only 4 classes on his schedule (AP Bio, History, English and Math)… this will look incredibly light and unchallenging…Isn’t this going to hurt him in the college process?”
• “The ideal schedule should have at least FIVE solid academic subjects.”
• “That’s crazy. You should call the school and you should call your council person and (the Manhattan Borough President). And the mayor and the newspapers. I’m serious.”
• “Four classes in senior year looks TERRIBLE…”

Some of these parents called the school repeatedly to complain but the guidance counselors and administrators stopped answering calls, and some parents went to the school to complain in person.

While these other parents are sweating it out over their kids’ programs, and offering drastic advice like contacting politicians to increase their kids’ workloads, I was in the minority, of a small, silent group of parents who were not insisting on their children’s overachievement.

I knew there were people who thought I must be out of my mind. And sometimes even I wondered if we were dooming our daughter to a life of a non-competitive college career and low-accolades lifestyle.

So is this Bad Teen Parenting, or are the other families engaged in Hyperventilating Helicopter High-Achieving Parenting?

We all want our kids to do well, enjoy life and make us proud. No doubt these other parents think we are letting our daughter coast, while believing that pushing tough programs on their seniors is the right parenting move. But I cannot help but think that many of these parents are mega-obsessed with overloading their kids’ school schedules to help the kids get into the most top-notch colleges.

Maybe the parents who want their kids to be super-achieving royalty are being too harsh and are forgetting what it was like to be a teen who wanted to have a lighter load, a more fun time in school. Personally I think there are too many kids facing cut-throat pressure and that can backfire.

When it comes to parenting my child, I have to make my own decisions based on what’s right for my daughter. And other parents may disagree, but I have to remember that I’m not responsible for what they think, I’m responsible for what my daughter needs. And if that makes me unpopular or weird or a “bad parent” in their eyes, so be it. This is one of the last academic decisions that I can help my daughter make, and it’s a privilege to do so.

 

Ellen Levitt is a lifelong resident of Brooklyn, NY. A veteran teacher and freelance writer, she is the author of the three books in the series, The Lost Synagogues of New York City (Avotaynu), and Walking Manhattan (Wilderness Press). She belongs to the East Midwood Jewish Center and sings in the choir, as well as leading parts of the service at times throughout the year. She and her husband have two teenage daughters. She has perfect pitch– go ahead, test her!