When “Home for the Holidays” Feels Uncomfortable

The holidays are supposed to be a chance to spend meaningful time with family: gathering together to enjoy each other’s company, sharing in and creating memories and stories of holidays past and hopes for the future. Many of us are lucky to have welcoming and supportive families who not only enhance our world but are also its strong foundation. We look forward to heading home for visits and falling back into old patterns, even if only for a few days.

But then, nobody had thought about 2016 when they invented Thanksgiving.

2016 has been an incredibly hard year for so many reasons. Just turning on the news, opening the newspaper, or even looking out the window is enough to incite tensions and create arguments. If you’re heading home to a family whose opinions you’ve long ago left behind, those tensions will probably be even more amplified this year.

It would certainly be easiest to opt-out of this year’s celebrations and to plan something with like-minded friends. If you’re in a position to do that, enjoy and be grateful. If you’re not so lucky, here are some strategies and tips to help you make it through and safely to the other side of the holidays while keeping yourself sane.

1. Set boundaries. Be proactive with your expectations. Take certain conversations off the table before you walk in the door. Call your family and say, “I love being around you, although when we talk about _________ I don’t feel welcome. Can we focus on other topics, like ___________ this year? I want to make the most of our time together.” If setting the parameters for conversation isn’t possible, set time boundaries. If you’re in the same city and coming by just for dinner, let your family know that you’ve got a second commitment that will require you to step away a bit early. (Yes, ice cream and wine on your couch certainly counts as a “commitment.”)

2. Bring diversions. If you’re heading home for a few days, bring books, movies, board games, or anything else that will occupy your time. Invite your family to watch your favorite movie with you. It’s a great way to spend time together without having to have too much conversation. (Perhaps stick to the light-hearted comedies, though. Political documentaries may not be your best choice here.) And while they may be cheesy, board games keep people talking and interacting while focusing on a specific purpose.

3. Bring a friend. Having a non-family member around often puts everyone on their best behavior, so use that to your advantage. If you’re staying in town, bringing some friends with you provides a safety net. Plus, you’ll be in a great position to flatter your parents when you tell them you’d like to bring some people to join you. Everyone wants to feel needed – how much more so when you tell your parents that even your friends need your family’s hospitality!

4. Become a cruise director. Downtime and boredom are danger zones when you’re trying to avoid serious conversations. Scheduling day trips and activities around town are a perfect way to avoid getting into anything too uncomfortable. Check out all of those museums you’ve heard about but never visited, or plan a trip to the movies. Maybe there are some wine-and-painting classes in your area? Before you head home, take a look at the local paper for all of the events going on. It’s really hard to have a bad time while you’re trying to hit the golf ball under the windmill and into the tunnel.

5. Strategize with your siblings and cousins. Maximize the good and safe relationships you do have. There’s nothing wrong with telling your family you’re going to spend an afternoon with your siblings or cousins (without your parents), and there’s certainly nothing wrong with using them as a shield, either. The same is true for other family members like aunts and uncles or even old neighbors who are like family. Besides, what parents wouldn’t be thrilled to see their children all spending time with each other and keeping those relationships strong?

6. Find the compliments, and give them freely. Even if nothing else goes your way over the holiday, I can promise that at least something will be ok. Maybe the table is beautiful. Maybe the potatoes are fantastic. Maybe you love someone’s turkey sweater (ok, that might be a bit of a stretch). Find those good things and elevate them. One compliment often earns another in return. If you can focus on those things that are good, the rest won’t seem so bad, even if you’re focusing on the mundane.

With a little bit of planning and forethought, the dreaded holiday visits could become tolerable – and, even better, actually enjoyable. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

 

Robbie Medwed is an Atlanta-based writer and LGBT/political activist. Growing up gay in the South, he knows that sometimes we don’t get the privilege of avoiding challenging environments but we have to make it work anyway.